Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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