I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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