So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
