the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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