Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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