Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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