I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
