He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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