The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
