It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this just has baby written all over it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize