im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
