I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
