so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
