just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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