How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
