Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
