She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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