Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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