Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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