I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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