I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
