Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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