You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Terrible idea I love it
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
