So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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