the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
