Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
