if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
