you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
