i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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