just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Randomize
