I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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