"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
