they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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