I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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