I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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