AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
