I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
