Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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