We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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