Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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