I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
