Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
