Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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