He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
