:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
