you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
