i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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