dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
