dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
