Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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