you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
