I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
