In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize