Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
