ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
should my penis look like a turkey
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
